Thursday, July 7, 2011

I have PPD ...

This was written 6/22 ... 

It was in Home Depot with Shaun and Katie when it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was overcome by an indescribable fear. 

I couldn't breath. 
I couldn't think. 
My body went numb and I shut down. 

The next 24 hours were filled with tears ... buckets and buckets of tears. 

I have postpartum depression.

I can't be super-mom.
I can't do this alone.

I feel like a buoy in the ocean.  Bouncing along stationary in the waves.  Riding the current and numb to everything around me.  It's a horrible feeling ... numb.

It's nothing I can control.
It doesn't mean I'm a bad mom or love my babies any less.
My body hurts.
It's only temporary.
I'm tired.
I can't do this.
I have to do this.  I don't have a choice.
I just want to feel normal again.
I just want to feel normal again.

Thank God that I have a wonderful support system to surround myself with.
To Shaun - Thank you for holding me through the tears.  You are my everything and helped create everything good in my world.
To my parents - Thank you for staying with me when I couldn't be alone.
To Marilyn - Thank you for watching Nathan and Katie and giving me a much needed break.
To my friends - Your words of encouragement and experiences give me hope.

Also, thank God for Lexapro and Xanax!!

**This post is for all those who have suffered, currently suffer or might possibly suffer from PPD.** 

1 comment:

Shan said...

This was the song I could not sing after Fynn was born. I am proud of you for knowing how to find the help you needed.

Big hugs.